I’ve been working on getting my life together lately, not so much in the Lindsay Lohan sense but more getting off my ass and accomplishing things in general. And sure, maybe I could do with a little less booze. Anyway.

If you asked me what my top five goals are, this is what I’d say:

1. Learn Spanish
2. Write a children’s book
3. Seduce Maynard James Keenan – oops, forgot to take this one off after getting married.
4. Start doing pilates again on a regular basis
5. Make a habit of waking up before 6AM

Let’s nick one of those babies off right now, because I’ve started, in earnest, to teach myself el idioma español! I’ve always had a love of language, and have spend most of my life with my nose firmly in a book. I went to a bilingual kindergarten, although all I can remember now is the lyrics to Feliz Navidad. Ten Little Pumpkins, another song we learned that year, is one of the first things I intend to re-learn. In the sixth and seventh grade, I became fluent in Russian  but did not keep up with it, and that too has mostly been forgotten. Spanish would be hugely helpful to know, but even growing up in Texas I was curious about the conversations happening around me, in a beautiful and familiar language I could not quite understand.

I was inspired to take action by a Lifehacker article, and by this time next month I should know every word on my list of 350 most common words if I work at it every day. Turns out, looking it over, I already know eleven of them: Gato, uno, dos, thre, cuatro, cinco, seis, siete, ocho, nueve, diez. I guess the kindergarten lessons sunk in deeper than I realized.

339 to go!

If you want to enjoy your commute, live east of your workplace.

I somehow stumbled across this old George Clooney article from the year 2000. I don’t know the man personally, but I hope he’s as chill now as he comes across in this interview. I used to love Playboy [insert for-the-articles pun here - Ed.] and especially when they interview celebrities – they seem to have a way of getting the best stories, without all that a real pleasure to work with and it’s an honor to be nominated bullshit.

Aside from the story about Clooney choking David Russell – I can’t condone violence of any sort, but Russell’s been crusing for a bruising for some time now, from what I understand – there is also this anecdote that rings very true:

[The pig] was a little tiny baby when I was doing Roseanne. I saw him and said, “I want that.” I had a Harley then. I would put him in the saddle bags and ride. Now he’s as big as the bike. I could ride him to work. Man, I love him, but you learn as you get older to be more careful about impulse buying.

I had a brief guinea pig and bird phase myself, so I can relate.

Also: 10 Questions You’ve Always Wanted To Ask A White Person, which was brilliantly followed by: 10 Things A White Guy Has Always Wanted To Know About Black People. This is one of the the only time I’d ever advise anyone to read through the comments of an article discussing race. From there, I learned that Frito Pie is the great uniter, and everyone hates George W. Bush! I do love this delicious, intelligent and post-racial (ahem) world we’re living in.

(Hehe, “ween”.)

Halloween is one of the world’s oldest holidays, dating back thousands of years to the time of the ancient Celts. Contrary to popular belief, it is not based on any festivals for the dead, but rather a kind of new year and harvest celebration called Samhain. The Celts celebrated their new year on November 1, marking the end of summer and the beginning of typically dark and deadly winters.

Celts believed the boundary between this world and the next were blurred on Oct 31, allowing the souls of the dead to return to Earth for a brief period of time. These souls not only caused mischief on the crops and villagers, but also allowed the druids – Celtic preists – to make important predictions about the year to come. Huge bonfires were lit, where the people gathered in costume to make sacrifices to their deities and draw protection for the coming winter season.

Freaky stuff, right? And shockingly devoid of sexiness, considering how this once-sacred holiday is celebrated in the modern age.

Quick, what’s the least sexy thing you can think of? Off the top, let’s say a watermelon. Well, apparently not. (I admit the bite mark is cute)

Sexy fruit costumes, including pineapple and banana varieties, are in season this Halloween. Sexy sea turtle (well, of course) is also available, as is sexy name brand chocolate chew candy and pretty much anything else you can think of.

Look, I don’t have any issue with people stepping out looking like a sexy telegram, sexy bowl of Fiber One or whatever pings your kink. I do have a problem with anyone being charged $70 for a cheap yellow dress that has no outside purpose beyond vaugly resembling a banana. There is a better way.Sexy can be awesome, and it definitely does not have to be cliche. This Mileena  costume, for example, is pretty sweet and actually rather tame if you consider the inspiration. (I personally preferred Katana, in game and in life.)

Dr. Girlfriend can be done with only a few minor adjustments, or more crafty costumers can try their hand at Dr. Mrs. The Monarch. Satyrs are technically supposed to be male, but get the room drunk enough and nobody will be in any position to criticize; a few well placed fur bits or plastic flowers and you’re ready to roam. Fans of Arrested Development need only a baby tee, glitter paint and a blonde wig to be Linday Funke in her infamous SLUT jailhouse outfit. Instead of the same old Marge Simpson, why not do a spoof of her Playboy pictorial (nsfw)?

Or say fuck it and go as a nudie mag. (nsfw) The way the industry is headed, why not?